


and fade out again and fade out

by iwrotestuff



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Cutting, Drug Use, F/M, Fallen Castiel, Human!Castiel - Freeform, M/M, Suicide, hints of orgies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-22
Updated: 2013-08-22
Packaged: 2017-12-24 07:15:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,117
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/936924
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iwrotestuff/pseuds/iwrotestuff
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel continues to fall and fall, and there is no one to catch him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	and fade out again and fade out

**Author's Note:**

> I'm getting this out of my system so that my other fic can have a happy ending.

Castiel gasps and chokes and whimpers and screams until his throat is raw and the taste of blood is strong on his tongue. He falls to his knees, wraps his arms tight around himself, nails digging into his arms and tearing at his soft and fragile skin to shreds of pale peach and red. There's loud pounding at his door, begging at him to open up, then giving up and whoever it is starts to ram their body hard against the door, and it snaps open, the sound of wood splintering is like bones breaking and he loves it. Hands grab at his shoulders and then prying his own hands away from his bloody arms, and the yelling fades into sobbing and pleading _'cas please stop let us help you please cas you're scaring me'_. He lets himself blank out so he doesn't have to listening to the pleading anymore, the soft crying and begging fading into a whisper in his dreams.

Next time he fades in, his arms arm covered in bandages, and Sam is sleeping on the chair next to his bed, his face exhausted and broken. All he wants to do is scream and yell and beat Sam bloody, he doesn't want him in the room, doesn't want him caring and wishes he would be gone and hiding like Dean was.

Instead, Castiel curls into himself and screams.

Another week passes and Castiel has giving up on eating and living. He stares out his window, the sunbeams filtering through the curtains into a dark orange that Castiel finds so beautiful, but despairs when he notices that he can no longer see all the colors he could before, but now he is limited, and has been rendered blind and deaf and deprived of senses he never appreciated before.

He grabs the chair next to his bed and hits the window with it until it shatters, and then keeps breaking the glass, and he cuts his hands by accident but it fascinates him, his blood on the clear see-through material and it's beautiful, almost as beautiful as the sunbeams. It's so beautiful that when Sam grabs him and pulls him away, bandaging his arms with shaky hands and tears in his eyes, Castiel doesn't mind this time and lets him try and fix him.

They go out one day, because Sam says that Castiel needs to get out and get used to the human world but he does not want that. When Sam goes to the bathroom, a man approaches Castiel and smiles and he has green eyes, like Dean, so when the man's hand is on his thigh, Castiel does not take it off or complain, instead he just gives a small smile. The next thing he knows, he is in this stranger's car on the back seat, and all he can feel is the heat spreading between his legs as large hands run down his torso. His legs are spread wide and the man hurts him a little, but that's fine because Castiel is always hurting now, what's just a little more pain? The man gives him something, says it will make him feel good and everything would fade away, so he takes the small pill and the world is bright and beautiful and just like when he was an angel.

So he finds more and takes them and swallows them and Sam doesn't question it because Castiel is smiling now and that's all the younger Winchester wants. Sam says that Dean will come back when he 'gets his shit together' and calls him selfish and gets angry and so does Castiel.

He hates Dean because he left him here alone. Sam is kind and Castiel cares for him so much but he NEEDS Dean, needs him here to catch him as he keeps falling and fading and make him stay here because he knows what he wants now, he wants Dean. He wants Dean to touch him and hold him and kiss him and make love to him and not hurt him like that man or Naomi or the other angels because that's all touch means to Castiel. Pain and suffering, and the feeling of burning wings and phantom pain and depravity of senses.

He goes out all the time and meets other men and women who have the pills he likes, and they take them while naked on dirty sheets; a man pressed against his back while running his hands down the front of Castiel's body, lower and lower, but he pays it no mind as he swallows the pills dry, and a woman comes to him and licks her way down his body. He loses track of how many bodies are in this bed but does it matter? There are pills and he feels good in many different ways, and manages to forget about Dean for a little while, and he moans when the woman takes his dick into her mouth and sucks, while the man sneaks a hand down his back and fingers slide inside him with ease.

He lets the bodies take him for a ride.

Sam screams at him, tears running down his face and begging and pleading and cursing him _'what are you doing cas!? Drugs... this isn't... this isn't the way to deal with this! Dammit cas why didn't you-'_ but Castiel is not listening anymore and he runs to his room gasping and throws things around in his room until Sam and Kevin come in and inject him with something that feels almost as good as the pills and lets himself fall asleep, as Sam lifts him up and takes him into another room.

Sam smells a little like Dean.

So Dean finally comes back five months later, and by then everything is destroyed and nothing like he was used to. He can hear Dean and Sam arguing and screaming and the accusations start, followed by silence.

And maybe it was the drugs, or Dean finally coming back, or something else entirely, but Castiel knows what to do, what he wants more than Dean now, the only thing that will bring him peace and calm. And yeah, he doesn't know where he will go. Doesn't know if fallen angels can go to Heaven, or if it will be like with Lucifer, and he will fall and be locked in the cage with his brothers, and wouldn't that be nice? A strange family reunion with the other angel who had fallen as bad as Castiel. Maybe he would go to Purgatory and wouldn't that be ironic?

Doesn't matter. As long as he never sees Dean Winchester again.

He smiles a broken smile and swallows it all.

 

**Author's Note:**

>  _All these things we'll one day swallow whole_  
>  _And fade out again and fade out_  
>  -Radiohead, "Street Spirit"


End file.
